My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
