i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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