I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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