We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm getting married
To pizza
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
