I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
