New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
