I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
