You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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