I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
