I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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