Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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