I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
