Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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