If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You pole danced in your parka.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
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