I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
