Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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