Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
