I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
