A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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