I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
