Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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