As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
