i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
