party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
