There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
