i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
