i just had sex bonerless
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
you inspire me to be a worse person
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
