I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
