No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
