My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I puked a lego.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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