I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
