the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
