I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
