just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
