i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
