I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I lost the right to judge tonight
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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