haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
