He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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