WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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