i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
