She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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