I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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