I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
