Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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