so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
