Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
