He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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