Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
