that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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