i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
